I Confess....

Last month, I studied the discipline of confession. I have to confess (hah hah) that I wasn't very excited about this one. Mainly because it was one of the corporate disciplines, and I wasn't too keen on confessing to someone. I have always struggled with letting others see my faults and sins. In this chapter, Foster writes that "we feel that everyone else has advanced so far into holiness that we are isolated and alone in our sin. We cannot bear to reveal our failures and shortcomings to others. We imagine that we are the only ones who have not stepped onto the high road to heaven. Therefore, we hid ourselves from one another and live in veiled lies and hypocrisy" (p.145). It saddens me to think I feel paralyzed in sharing my burdens with others. God did not place us on this earth to live alone in isolation. "We are freed to hear the unconditional call of God's love and to confess our needs openly before our brothers and sisters. We know we are not alone in our sin....in acts of mutual confession we release the power that heals" (p. 145-146).

I was unsure of what to "do" this month for confession. Foster gave an amazing example in his book of a diary of confession (pp. 149-150). Basically, after prayer and meditation, he wrote down anything that came to mind that needed healing and forgiveness from his childhood. The next day, he did the same thing for his adolescence, and finally he wrote down anything from his adulthood. Later he brought his writings to a trusted friend and shared what he wrote with him. Then his friend took the paper, ripped it up and prayer over him. I decided to do the same thing and I brought my writing to one of my best friends, Allison. It was extremely difficult for me to be so open and vulnerable, but I cannot tell you how free I felt afterward. It's amazing how much guilt and shame I had carried around "hiding" these struggles and sins.

It is so amazing that God has given us the ability to listen to others and forgive in His name. Foster emphasizes that private confession is just as valid, but there is a sweet freedom in sharing our burdens with others. Foster writes that "the Scripture teaches us that all believers are priests before God: 'You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood' (1Peter 2:9)" (p. 147). Foster quotes Dietrich Bonhoeffer who writes that "a man who confesses his sins in the presence of a brother knows that he is no longer alone with himself; he experiences the presence of God in the reality of the other person" (p.148). I am so thankful I was able to share my sins with Allison. I felt God speaking through her to me, and it was incredible.

Now that it is July, I am on to the discipline of worship. I have decided for July I will only listen to worship music in the car and while I work out. I also want to work on playing the piano and guitar more. I'll let you know how it goes!

Thanks for reading friends! :)

Fasting and Confession

This whole summer vacation thing has distracted me from my blogging! It's amazing how easily I fall back into the habit of being lazy. :) I did want to update you on what I learned about fasting (mainly, that it is HARD and I definitely need more practice)

I stopped the Daniel Fast at the beginning of June. The first half of it went really well, but I cheated a few times during the last half. It is incredible how hard it is for me to eat only fruits and vegetables. BUT it was very rewarding. I can already see a change in my eating habits (eating more fruits and vegetables, choosing healthier options, not snacking as much). On the spiritual side, I have really tried to focus on why I turn to eating for my emotional needs.

Although this fast was a great experience, I do not feel as I used it as a spiritual experience as much as a physical one. In his chapter on fasting, Foster writes that "throughout scripture fasting refers to abstaining from food for spiritual purposes" (p. 48). Although eating healthier and trying to lose weight is a noble thing to do, Foster reminds the reader that fasting centers on the spiritual, not physical. He states that "fasting must forever center on God. It must be God-initiated and God-ordained." (p. 54) Along with this central purpose, "fasting reveals the things that control us...we cover what is inside us with food and other good things, but in fasting these things surface....anger, bitterness, jealousy, strife, fear." (p.55) King David writes in Psalm 69:10, "I humbled my soul with fasting." I actually experienced this in the first week of my fast. Emotions came to the surface that I had buried for months.

In addition to revealing the things that controls us, "fasting reminds us that we are sustained 'by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God' (Matt. 4:4). Food does not sustain us; God sustains us." (p. 55) It is humbling to realize how sovereign our God is and how He supports us. Foster writes that "fasting helps us keep our balance in life," (p. 56) and I definitely agree. This discipline, as all the others, has pointed out that I am a work in progress, and that I should continue to seek God in all aspects of my life.

He concludes the chapter with different ways to practice fasting. I will hope to continue with the practice in different ways, and I definitely want to try the Daniel fast again. He does mention that you should not call attention to your fasting so no more blog posts on that subject! :) It will be interesting to look back at my first few attempts of fasting and see how I have matured.

This month I am studying confession, and I must say, it has been the most difficult discipline for me. I will share more of my learning with you in a few weeks. As always, thanks for reading!

Pray, Pray and Pray!

April was devoted to learning more about prayer. I was pretty discouraged with myself in my lack of discipline in prayer. My goal was to pray for a specific person each day and unfortunately that didn't happen. However, I did begin to form a habit of praying each morning and I know I can continue to work on it until it becomes a natural part of my day. Foster encouraged me in his chapter on prayer saying "we should remember that God always meets us where we are and slowly moves us into deeper things." (p. 35) That made me smile. I have always desired for a deeper prayer life and always get discouraged when I get lazy. Instead of giving up I should celebrate the small steps and continue to move forward with God.

I really enjoyed this chapter and found it to be a very helpful one on my spiritual journey of reflection. Foster emphasizes that of all the spiritual disciplines, prayer "is the most central as it ushers us into perpetual communion withe the Father." (p.33) He describes how it is often discouraging when we think our prayers won't make a difference, but Foster states that the Bible teaches us the importance of prayer and how we are working together with God through prayer.

Also, "real prayer is something we learn." (p.36) Foster studied all the references of prayer in the gospels and found that he was "determined to learn to pray so [his] experiences conformed to the words of Jesus rather that try to make His words conform to [his] impoverished experience." (p.37) In addition to scripture, Foster sought advice from others who had deep prayer lives and began praying for others immediately even though he didn't feel like he was "perfect" at prayer. He goes on to say that "one of the most critical aspects in learning to pray for others is to et in contact with God so that his life and power can flow through us into others." (p.38)

Foster also warns not to make prayer too complicated. He writes that "Jesus taught us to come like children to a father. Openness, honesty and trust mark the communication of children with their father." (p. 38) Foster shared a few stories about children and prayer. I was really touched by the example of his friend who taught emotionally-handicapped children who felt God wanted him to pray for his students. He did not tell the children he was doing this, he simply did it as he worked in the room with them. If a child had a hard time or a meltdown, he would simply pray over the child silently. By the end of the year, most of his students returned to the general education classroom. (p.42-43) Working in a public school does not mean your faith and prayer life cannot exist in your classroom. I pray for my students, but I continue to ask God for discipline to do it more often.

The greatest lesson I took from this chapter is that "we must never wait until we feel like praying before we pray for others" (p.45). I hope to remember this lesson each day.

Since we are in a new month, it is time for a new discipline! Fasting is next! I will be praying over the next few days of what kind of fast (food or something else) God would like me to do.

Thanks for reading!

Lent is OVER!

Well, I survived 6 weeks without facebook. It was actually not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Honestly for most of it I didn't even notice. What I did notice was that I had a lot more free time, I read a lot more, and I got more done at work during planning time. Go figure. :) I did return to facebook today and even though it was awesome to take a break, I don't think I'll be getting rid of it completely anytime soon. I love staying in touch with people through it and seeing what everyone is up to! I'm glad to be back Facebook....but it's always nice to take a break from you every once in a while.

Shopping was a little bit harder to let go than facebook, but ultimately it was also very rewarding. I have not gone shopping yet, but I'm sure I will sometime this week. It was eye-opening to see how I was tempted to shop when I had free time or was bored. Plus, I saved more money, gave more money away and got rid of a lot of stuff without replacing it with more stuff. Having this fast from shopping helped me see the importance of thinking about what I spend my money on. I hope to continue this mindset as I go into stores asking myself: Do I really need this? or Can I get rid of something to replace this with?

While I was home visiting my parents this weekend, I was going through my old room and helping my mom get rid of things around her house. Fasting from facebook and shopping made me think about the "clutter" in my life both literally and figuratively. Every day I desire to have a more "simple" life that is focused on Jesus and not on "things." This Lenten season reaffirmed this desire and I hope it continues to grow.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter! He is RISEN! :)

From Meditation to Prayer

Can anyone else NOT believe it is already April?? I can't. This school year is just flying by! My year through the spiritual disciplines is also flying by! I am halfway through my year of transformation! :) I feel like I've entered a little slump the past few months in keeping up with this blog, but I hoping to get back on track!

March was Meditation month and though I didn't practice meditation as much as I had hoped, I feel like I got a lot out of studying it and attempting to practice it. Meditation was always a mystery to me and I generally saw it as a mystical religious practice of intense concentration. It seemed to difficult for me to even attempt. And honestly, I didn't see it as a "Christian thing."

Foster addressed the difference of Eastern and Christian meditation by saying that "eastern meditation is an attempt to empty the mind; Christian meditation is an attempt to fill the mind." (p. 20) This encouraged me because the idea of clearing my mind completely seemed incredibly too difficult. I am constantly battling an over-thinking brain. However, even though my goal in meditation is to fill the mind, it doesn't mean fill it with worries and to-do lists. Foster describes Christian meditation as "the ability to hear God's voice and obey his word" (p.17) and "in meditation we are growing into...a familiar friendship with Jesus." (p.19) Foster also mentions attachment and detachment saying we must work at "the detachment from the confusion all around us in order to have a richer attachment to God." (p. 21) I am constantly striving to better hear God's voice. One of my greatest struggles is "blocking" God out except in times of great distress and worry. My attitude was If I'm doing OK, I don't really feel like praying. Practicing meditation would not only deepen my intimacy with God, but it would prepare me for those dark times of despair ahead of time instead of scrambling to the surface when I feel as if I'm drowning.

One of my goals in meditation was to really meditate on the relationships I share with people in my family, circle of friends and workplace. It was really interesting to take a step back and think about how and why I interact with others the way I do and to also step into their shoes and try to understand why and how they may act toward me. I think it's a great exercise in helping you treat others with kindness and patience when you otherwise might want to bite their head off! ;-)

April is Prayer month and I am hoping to work more on meditation along with prayer. I will go into more detail about what I have learned about prayer at the end of the month, but here are my goals:

1. Choose a person/couple to pray for intentionally each day of the week (ex. Pray for Bob on Sundays, Lisa on Mondays, Ken and Tina on Tuesdays, etc.) leaving Saturdays free to pray for someone I feel led to pray for. I have chosen my 6 people/couples and I will start on Sunday! I hope I can continue to do this after April. I am such a calendar/to-do list person and I think this will help me be more consistent in my intercessory prayer.

2. Practice "Flash prayers" more intentionally - praying for the needs of others as you notice them.

3. Write in my prayer/gratitude journal at least twice a week (I have been doing once a week, but it often turns into once a month! Trying to be better about that....)

As always, thanks for reading friends!

Service

Well, I kind of dropped the ball this month on studying service. I've read most of the chapter but haven't done the questions from the book. And I didn't post my plan for the month. BUT I blame that on how incredibly BUSY February was and how it was also incredibly SHORT. I can also say that February was FULL of seeking to serve others more so I'm happy with myself. :)

I did want to share what I have learned so far from Foster on service. It is another great chapter!

Foster begins by distinguishing service from "self-righteous service." He describes that it:

• comes through human effort
• is impressed with the "big deal"
• requires external rewards
• is highly concerned about results
• picks and chooses whom to serve
• is affected by moods and whims
• is temporary, insensitive and fractures community (pp.128-129)

On the other hand, true service goes hand in hand with humility. "Nothing disciplines the inordinate desires of the flesh like service, and nothing transforms the desires of the flesh like serving in hiddenness." (p.130) "It is one thing to act like a servant; it is quite another to be a servant." (p.134) He goes on to describe how there are many different types of service.

• the service of hiddenness
• the service of small things
• the service of guarding the reputation of others
• the service of being served
• the service of common courtesy
• the service of hospitality
• the service of listening
• the service of bearing the burdens of others
• the service of sharing the word of Life with one another (pp.134-140)

Reading the descriptions of each of these types of service warmed my heart and amazed me. It's incredible how many small ways we can serve each other. Service should not be this huge, complicated showy mess. It is a humble offering. It is a chance to show others the Love of Christ. Jesus is our prime example of the servant leader who took to his knees to wash the feet of his disciples. I hope to view service as a way of life, not simply tasks to check off my to-do list.

Foster provided a prayer that I hope to begin praying each morning when I wake up. "Lord Jesus, as it would please you bring me someone today whom I can serve." (p.140)

Hoping to be more on top of things in March! :) I think the 2-week Spring Break coming up will help with that! Since I already began the inward disciplines, I'm going to jump back and finish them for the next three months. Up next: Meditation!

Nerd Alert!

Well, I am not surprised to find that I loved learning about study this past month. I'm a huge nerd. I love to read and studying God's word this month has been awesome. As I told you earlier, I am also a procrastinator....but I have been working really hard on not doing that in my study of the Bible. I just started a new Bible Study (Breaking Free with Beth Moore) with my two best friends and I am halfway through the homework! Yippee! We don't meet again until Sunday so I may actually finish it on time! Sarah and I are wrapping up our last Beth Moore study (Living the Fruits of the Spirit) and let's just say I hardly ever did the homework on time. It's been really awesome doing one a night. I'm finding that I enjoy it more when it's spread out and I can actually take in what I'm learning. Imagine that!

I have also been trying to pay attention to the little things in my life...but of course, that's been harder than it looks. I enjoyed playing in the snow with Sarah's puppy this morning. It was wonderful to see how excited she was to romp around in it! She just ran and ran and ran in circles around me. I wish I could get that excited about nature! God's creation is amazing! I pray that everyone reading has been able to stay safe and warm during this crazy cold!

Finally, I have definitely been studying myself and how I interact with those around me. As always, there's much room for improvement. Negativity is definitely one of my struggles and I have really tried to see what triggers this tendency:

1. Being tired - I am definitely in a better mood when I get a good's night rest. My stupid allergies have been keeping me up the past few weeks, but for the past few days I have been sleeping much better and I can tell a huge improvement in my mood and how I treat others.

2. Focusing on myself and my troubles- when I get wrapped up in my "little problems" my mood plummets. Everything looks bleak and everyone seems out to get me. It's amazing how self-absorbed I can get...it's also funny that it took a little self-reflection to realize this. haha Also, I can tell a huge difference in my mood when I am serving others. I have been working in the nursery at church in January and even though it's been hard, I am always in a good mood after I leave. It's wonderful to help others and focus on them instead of your own life. Plus, 2-year olds are just adorable. :)

3. Shutting God out/believing lies- I actually had a couple breakdowns a few weeks ago where I just cried and cried and cried. Instead of crying out to God, I believed horrible lies about my friends and myself and fell into the trap of self-pity. I really hope to get into the habit of praying every day so it will be natural for me to turn to God in prayer when I am feeling down.

Once again, I had another awesome month. I love learning more about these disciplines and I love sharing it with you! Thanks for reading....coming up....SERVICE! :)

Hi Kim, it's me, God!

Well, after a month of praying and thinking about submission, I realize that I have a long ways to go. Sometimes it's hard for me to know where God wants me and what He wants me to do....and other times I know exactly what to do, but I just don't want to. It's so hard to give up that desire to be in control and have your own way. What a blessing it is to put others before yourself. I pray 2011 will be the year of OTHERS for me. I'm so sick of my self-obsessed nature. Jesus commanded us to love the Lord our God AND love our neighbors as ourselves. I have not done either well. I am earnestly seeking for God to transform my heart to love like Him.

It was interesting to focus more on how I treated others this month. I was surprised (and saddened) to see how often I chose myself over others. I also saw this horrible habit rear its ugly head when I was home with my family. Why is it so much easier to treat others with kindness and patience, but turn around and treat your own family horribly. I know I need to show my family more love and respect. I mean, no offense to anyone else, but I have the best family EVER! Seriously. Your parents may be alright, but mine are the BEST! :) I realize more and more each day how blessed I am to have them and my younger brother. I ask for God to help show me where I need to "grow up" in regards to my relationship with them. I love you Mama and Daddy and Mark!

God really revealed to me how he wants to change my life. In many ways. Now I have a lifetime to tackle them, but I know He wants me to get started....uhh, TODAY! I wanted to share the main ones with you that I felt God reveal to me this month.

1. GET HEALTHY! - As I told you a few months ago, my cholesterol was way too high. I recently got the results from my recent blood work back and my cholesterol went down 30 points! HOORAY! Now, I am in the normal level BUT my HDL (good cholesterol) is way to low and my LDL (bad) is WAY WAY too high. I want to continue to make healthier eating choices and I want to get into a CONSISTENT workout routine. I have made a goal to lose 15 pounds by August (maid of honor time! haha) I want to get back to my college weight. High school weight seems to lofty haha! I'll keep you updated on how that's going!

2. STUDY HIS WORD - I just finished reading the Bible through for the 2nd time, but I honestly feel like I retained nothing. I got into the bad habit of not reading for a few months and then reading HUGE chunks at a time to catch up. I want to continue to reading the Bible in a year, but I want to actually read small amounts each day so I actually retain something! :)

3. INTIMACY WITH GOD - This is one God has been trying to work with me on for...umm...FOREVER! My prayer life is well, inconsistent and usually involves despair. I want to meet with God in times of gladness and sadness. In an effort to help me along, I got a gratitude prayer journal. My plan is start out with once a week and hopefully work up to daily.

4. GIVE UP CONTROL - Yeah, I tend to give God control on "some" things in my life, but not others....one BIG one in particular (relationships)....

Well, my friends. I hope you had a wonderful New Year's Eve and I look forward to sharing more of my journey in 2011. I will be back soon to tell you about January's discipline-STUDY! :) (the nerd in me is super excited about this month!)

I am thankful for....

Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was another wonderful time spent with family and friends. I am currently in Oklahoma with my parents and brother. We spent Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle, my cousin and her husband and their adorable baby, Elise, my uncle's mother and my grandfather. We had a delicious meal (my aunt and cousin are wonderful cooks and my cousin's husband is a chef!) and a great visit. I am so thankful for my family. I decided to make a list of the things I am thankful for so here goes!

My parents and their unconditional love

My brother and his girlfriend, Carrie

My grandparents in heaven

My Granddaddy who is still with us

My aunts and uncles and cousins and their families

Thanksgiving meals with my family

Time off from my job :)

My teammates and co-workers

Having a job I love and being able to support myself

My students

My friends

My roommate Sarah and her dog (my niece) Mattie

Having a home

Being able to apply to grad school

Visiting Oklahoma and safe travel

Books and a love for reading

Sleep (and getting more sleep on vacation)

Prayer and time with God

Braum's milk (oh, how I miss you Braum's)

Movies in 3D :) (Tangled and MegaMind were AWESOME!)

Watching movies with friends

Laughter

Pictures and the memories they capture

My computer and its ability to help me stay connected to others

My health

My mental health :)

My counselor

Support of my friends and family

Being able to worship in my church with fear of persecution

Soldiers and troops protecting our country

My loving church family

My mentor, Brenda

My small group

Reading the Bible

Wow....I am blessed. The more I have studied solitude this month, the more God has shown me the important of balance in growing a more intimate relationship with Him and serving and loving the body of Christ. Both are vital and important.

I am thankful for you all....hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Solitude

Well, after a week of studying the discipline of solitude, I wanted to share with you what I have learned.

Foster starts this chapter off saying "Jesus calls us from loneliness to solitude." (p.96) Boy, do I need that! This chapter honestly scared me a little as I really struggle with being alone. I suffer from depression and it rears its ugly head ferociously when I have been alone for long periods of time. I'm an extrovert - I feel energized after spending time with people. My thoughts turn sad and dark when I feel loneliness creep upon me. It's not a fun place to be. So naturally, I wasn't thrilled with the idea of practicing solitude. But this just showed me how important this discipline is for me to learn and I am glad to be doing it for my second month. I feel it will strengthen my ability to practice the inward disciplines, especially prayer and meditation.

My fear of studying solitude quickly disappeared as I read this chapter more thoroughly. I was excited to see how working on the discipline of solitude could actually help with my depression. Foster writes later that "we can cultivate an inner solitude and silence that sets us free from loneliness and fear. Loneliness is inner emptiness. Solitude is inner fulfillment." (p. 96) I LOVE that last sentence: inner fulfillment. My time alone does not have to be spent worrying about tomorrow or wishing I was spending time with someone else. My time alone can be spent being filled with the Spirit of God.

Foster also emphasizes that we should not seek constant solitude. You need both fellowship and solitude in your life. He writes that "we must seek out the recreating stillness of solitude if we want to be with others meaningfully." (p. 98) It's all about balance, my friends. That seems to be my theme for this year. Balance. :)

I am looking forward to this month, but I know it will be difficult. Please pray for me! Here is what I have decided as my goals for this month -

1. Take a break from facebook for the rest of November. I feel like facebook is mainly just a way for me to CONSTANTLY be in contact with people. Just another way to never be alone. I don't want to quit it completely because I feel like it's an excellent way to keep in touch with people and connect with people from my past. But I do need a break. This also relates to the discipline of simplicity as facebook really does complicate my life at times....wasting away precious hours. :)

2. Take advantage of "little solitudes" I find throughout the day. Foster gives the examples of sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic or the moments before you get up in the morning or slipping outside to enjoy the night before going to bed. He writes that "these tiny snatches of time are often lost to us....they are little moments that help us to be genuinely present where we are." (p. 106) I have several little solitudes (before AM duty, lunch break, planning period) during the school day I could take advantage of and use to rejuvenate. I pray God will help me use them more wisely! :)

3. Take 3-4 prayer walks this month. I find it so hard to pray to God and really LISTEN to Him when I am just sitting or laying in my bed. I would love to take time to walk out in God's creation and seek His heart.

4. Try to live one ENTIRE day without words at all. This one will be a toughie. :) I love to talk. I love to text and email and chat and call and laugh and....well, you get the picture. I think it would be INCREDIBLY interesting to see how a day goes without using any words or form of communication. Obviously, I couldn't do this while teaching. :) HAH! That would be hilarious though. I do have a couple bossy kids I could put in charge, but I doubt that would last for the whole day. My plan is to do this on Saturday, November 20th. If you think about it, pray for me on that day. Pray that I am able to hear from God and really clear my head from all the distractions of life. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes. :)

Well, once again, thanks for reading friends! I'll be sure to keep you updated as the month goes on. This should be another great month!

From Simplicity to Solitude

Well, I made it through one month of discipline-mania! :) I am really glad I started out with simplicity. I learned so much about how seeking God's Kingdom first and laying all my anxieties at His feet truly simplifies my life. I still have a long way to go, but I feel ready to make more changes in mu everyday life.

My shopping fast was a huge eye opener. For one, my bank account is MUCH larger than it usually is at the first of the month. My credit card bill was about a third of last month's. It's incredible how much I spent on stuff I obviously didn't need. I went shopping with a friend on Sunday and it was amazing how my mindset had changed in what I thought I "needed" to get. I am hoping this will stay with me. This fast also showed me that when I'm bored or stressed, there are many other ways I can spend my time beside shopping. :) I also found I can even go to a store and GASP! not buy anything.

There is plenty I still want to work on even though the months is over. I am still praying about how God wants me to give to others more both financially and with my own time. I also need to continue to not be anxious about ANYTHING and give it all to GOd in prayer.

I am very excited about this year since this first month was so awesome! Stay tuned for my plans in November with SOLITUDE. :)

Keeping it Simple

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life... can any of your worrying add a single hour to your span of life?... Therefore do not worry saying, "What will we eat?" or "What will we drink" or "What will we wear?"... indeed your heavenly Father knows you need all these things. But strive first for the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Selected verses from Matthew 6:25-33)

This has been the theme verse of my first week of focusing on simplicity. Foster emphasized it in the simplicity chapter. He talked about how we should not live in anxiety. If we are seeking the kingdom of God we will not be anxious. This was definitely a lesson I needed to be re-taught on. Over and over.

My first week or so of my journey has been awesome. I have really enjoyed reflecting on what it means to live simply. Just the simple of act of giving up "fun" shopping has been an eye-opener. It has only been 10 days and it has been a struggle! It was probably ten times worse that I am off of work so I have had a lot more free time. There were so many times this past week I have wanted to go browse Target or check out some new shoes at DSW. But I DIDN'T so I celebrate that. It really showed me what a bad habit I have gotten myself into. I hope to keep this lesson in my heart after this month is over.

As I continue this month, I will be praying about ways to give. Not just in the monetary sense, however I need to become more faithful in that area.

As always, thanks for reading!

Thanks God :)

God is truly good. It is amazing how He speaks to me and reaffirms me. Just yesterday he affirmed my desire to study the disciplines this next year. I was at Half Priced Books with my mom and was looking through the Christian book section. There on the shelf was a Celebration of Discipline workbook to accompany the book. There are sections on each discipline and it is structured so you can do it for 12 weeks or, you guessed it, 12 months. It is also flexible that you do not have to do the disciplines in any specific order. Amazing.

I have decided to update twice each month on my journey. At the beginning of the month I will talk about the discipline and what I hope to do and learn. At the end of the month I will share what I have learned and what other questions arose from my study. I'm very excited and I hope you will stay with me on this. :)

I will update soon about simplicity, but now I have much more to read so I will get back with you soon.

I'm ready for a change! Let the games begin!

I have decided to change my life! :)

How will you do this, Kim? You might be asking yourself. Well, readers, I plan to do this one day at a time for a year. Have you ever read Celebrations of Discipline by Richard Foster? If you haven't, stop reading my blog and go read it right now!

OK, have you read it? Good. It's a pretty amazing book. My wonderful cousin, Amanda got it for me as a high school graduation gift and I read it way back in the year 2004 (that was 6 years ago people!!) but I definitely did not get everything out of it I thought I could. A few years ago I picked it up to read again and read a few chapters. For those of you who did not follow my directions earlier (shame on you!) and have not read the book, each chapter covers a different discipline. For me, the book shows how discipline must be worked at constantly in order to achieve more depth in our spirituality and relationship with God.

I have decided to read this book again, but in a much different way. There are 13 chapters, one of which is an introduction to the spiritual disciplines. That leaves 12! (Yay 1st grade math!) Since there are 12 months in a year, I got a bright idea. WHY NOT FOCUS ON ONE DISCIPLINE A MONTH! Wowee! What an idea. So that's what I plan to do faithful blog readers. I will choose one discipline to study and implement in my life more intentionally. I figure I can handle reading one chapter in a month, right? (This from the girl that reads 4 or 5 books at a time. haha)

Foster separates the disciplines into three categories: the inward disciplines, the outward disciplines and the corporate disciplines. The inward disciplines include meditation, prayer, fasting and study. The outward disciplines include simplicity, solitude, submission, service. The corporate disciplines include confession, worship, guidance and celebration.

My plan is to focus on one discipline each month by first reading the chapter on that discipline at the beginning of the month and praying about how God wants me to implement it in my life. I won't necessarily go in order of the book, but see where God leads me on this journey. I am a very task-oriented person and even in my spiritual life I need structure. I know this won't be a "to-do" list where at the end of each month I'll be like "Yes! I mastered worship! Now on to prayer!" I just feel like I need to take a step back and really dive in deeper to each of these disciplines. I am really excited about it and hope you will go on this journey with me. I will always update at the first of the month to let you know what I will be working on, but I will also continue to write about random things because I love the randomness. :)

Now, for October I have decided to focus on....

SIMPLICITY!

I really feel like that's where God wants me to start. I have felt just a heaviness of "extra baggage" on my shoulders and I want God to simplify my life. I want to follow Him and worship Him only. Stay tuned for more on simplicity.

They Shall Walk and Not Faint

All I was planning to do was get my yearly eye exam along with having my eyes dilated. The exam went fine, but when they put in the drops to dilate my eyes, things got scary. I started feeling very sick and a little dizzy, but I figured that was part of the process. After waiting 10 minutes they asked me to put my contacts in. One minute I'm standing at the sink, the next I am on the floor.

BOOM! I fainted.

I don't remember a thing between the sink and the floor and that's terrifying to me. Apparently, I hit my forehead on the sink and was falling back but the assistant that was in the room was able to catch me and guide me to the floor. It's a weird feeling to be standing in one place and then lying in another without knowing how you got there. Oddly enough, when I came to I felt a million times better. I was really shaky and sweaty but I felt fine. Some EMT guys came and checked me out and they let me go home. Fortunately my best friend Sarah was with me and I am so thankful for that. She drove me home and I rested most of the day.

This whole episode has really shaken me up. Not only in the physical sense. It kind of brought to light how I have been feeling in my spiritual life lately: very weak and enervated. The last few weeks I have been very un-disciplined in seeking out the Lord. I just feel like I'm drifting through life. I have not been attending church regularly and I have not been consistent with quiet time and my daily Bible reading. I have also just felt very indifferent to growing spiritually. It's like sometimes I don't even want to try. That is not how I want to live my life.

I do not want to feel weak in this area of my life. I want the strength of Christ to fill me and push me onward. I am so thankful that He was watching out for me today when I fell. But I am glad that God is speaking to me through this experience. I don't want to continue to live my life in this weary pattern I have found myself in. Just like I couldn't remember a thing between the sink and the floor, I don't want to look back on my life and not remember anything either. I want to see God moving in my life. I want to remember seeking Him out daily. I want to be invigorated! Once again, God reminds me that seeking His will and following Him will bring me strength. I trust God to heal me physically and spiritually in the days and weeks to come. I pray He invigorates my faint faith and that I will mount up with wings like eagles! I pray your strength is renewed also! Thanks for reading!

But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

You CAN go home again....

You know that cliche, you can never go home again...I am not sure I buy it. Sure, I understand that when you grow up and leave your childhood home and family, things change and are never the "same" but I truly believe you can still have that "feeling" of home no matter where you are in life. Maybe I feel this way because I have moved so many times in my life I don't truly have "one" childhood home. If you ask me where I'm from I might say Ponca City, OK or perhaps Katy,TX or maybe even Austin. However, if you ask me where did I grow up I would say Lake Charles, LA because that's where I spent 1st through 8th grade and I truly felt like my childhood was spent there. Going "home" at college was strange at first because my parents moved from Katy to Ponca City right after my senior year of college. So my first summer after college was not spent in my high school home, but in my "hometown" that I hadn't lived in for 15 years.

Despite all this moving around, I never felt like I wasn't at home when I would go back to be with my family. Wherever my parents and brother were, that was home. Same with church homes; my family has belonged to three churches (that I can actually remember) and I consider them all to my church home. I still consider FUMC of Ponca City my church home, not because my parents live there (because they don't anymore) but because of the people and the family I gained there.

I have always been close to my family and no matter where we are or what we are doing, I feel love. Now, we have plenty of issues and fights - we are all four very moody people! :) (I'm the ranking queen of moodiness myself) We aren't a picture-perfect family that gets along all the time. BUT we are very close and enjoy spending time together. I think that's why my brother and I have gotten closer to each other and to our parents since we have both left home. We have worked hard at intentionally spending time with our parents and not wanting to drift apart.

Now, back to my entry's title - you CAN go home again. I have always had trouble with change and growing up. I am really enjoying being an adult and living an independent life, but I often miss just being a kid. This weekend trip to Oklahoma with my family reminded me that I'll always have a piece of my childhood with me. It's never gone completely. Driving to Oklahoma with my family reminded me of the many car trips and vacations we took in the past. Even though I am a third year teacher and my brother is a junior, highly successful chemical engineer major at OSU, we easily slipped back into our roles of annoying siblings. It was funny to laugh at all the little quirks my parents still have (my dad's obsession with making good time or my mom's ability to crack herself up) Change is inevitable, but it is comforting me to know that some things don't change even after all these years.

I know soon my brother and I will get married, have kids and start our own families. I hope that we can pass our love for family onto our own families one day. I want my kids to know that they can always come home if they are 18 or 50. My home today is not the same as it was when I was ten, but I always know I can go home.

I'm so glee-full!

Warning! Lots of spoilers so don't read if you have not seen the finale of Glee and plan on doing so....

Glee's first season has finally ended and I thought it was an absolutely wonderful end to an awesome season. I have been hooked since episode one. What I love about this show is that not only does it have talented actors and amazing covers, the show portrays amazing messages that I feel like are often absent from our culture. Sure, it's unrealistic, but if you are looking for a true to life drama with intense story lines, you probably need to find another show.

As unrealistic as it may be, if you really think about high school and teen life, it's not THAT far off. We have all dealt with cliques, feeling insecure about not fitting in and being bullied, the bully or perhaps even both. As a teacher I am very passionate about ending bullying in schools. It is something I do NOT tolerate in my classroom. I teach my kids that we are a family in our class and we are to treat each other as family. That's why Glee touches me so much - they are a family. They have grown to see past the stereotypes of their school and love each other.

It is so easy in our culture to fall into the trap of judging others by how they look and act or by what they do. It's often much easier to join the crowd and tease those that are "not as cool" as us then be teased by those who are "cooler." I like how Glee pushes the envelope and shows the uniqueness of each character. It touches on gender, racial, sexual orientation and even physical handicapped stereotypes. I love all the characters in the Glee club and mainly because they are all so different, yet so amazing and "cool." It's cool to be a Gleek. :)

This show has really touched me so I wanted to share a few things I have learned from it. Enjoy!

Top 5 Things I have Learned from Glee:

5.Being part of something special makes you special. - As Tina said, Rachel got it right, when you are part of something special, you become special. Now this doesn't mean you become special to everyone else. You find a new sense of meaning, a new confidence, and most likely, you stop caring if others think you are special. (SPOILER ALERT!) I think that's why the kids were upset about not winning regionals, but not crushed. As Rachel said, they didn't care what the judges said. They were the ones who won. These 12 students were all misfits in some way or another, and this group was home to them and they traveled a long way as a family. I hope you all have something special in your life right now. If you have found it or have yet to find it, hold onto it and treasure it. You are special! :)

4. Everyone has some good in them (Yes, even Sue Sylvester) - Now, one of my favorite things about Sue is how EVIL she is. I laugh out the loudest when those outrageous statements come out of her mouth. But my OTHER favorite thing about her (besides her awesome dance moves) is the glimpses of humanity and kindness she shows us. She is not a 2-dimensional TV villain. We saw her loving relationship with her sister; we saw her insecurity and vulnerability over her looks and being rejected by Will; and perhaps my favorite, (another SPOILER!!) we saw her finally SEE the amazing transformation of the Glee club and vote for them to win regionals. She ultimately is the one who convinces the principal to give the club another year to prove themselves. Who knew that the person responsible for the imminent destruction of the Glee club would end being their savior? She has many layers and I look forward to seeing her grow in more seasons (but mainly I look forward to more OUTRAGEOUS comments about Will's hair and failure as a human being)

3. The journey is often more important than the destination - I am SO happy that Glee didn't win regionals. Now, that may sound weird, but I love the message they gave off by their reaction. Mr. Shu even said if they are only concerned about winning then he has failed them and they should just go home. The fact that they get to sing and do what they love should be their concern, not getting the biggest trophy. As evident by choosing all songs by Journey, they were proclaiming the power of their journey and how it has affected them all. Sure, it sucked to lose, but life isn't about winning and losing. It's about LIVING and loving what you are doing.

2. Teachers make a difference in their students' lives.... - Mr. Shuster (or Will) is an amazing teacher. Not only is he committed and talented at his job (and singing), he truly, deeply cares about his students. How many times over the season did he worry and toss and turn over the outcome of the Glee members and their club. His dedication and love for students got them to where they are - confident and full of heart. I cried when his students sang him "To Sir, With Love." Almost all of them were crying too, including Mr. Shu. Finn even compared him to a father figure. I wish there were more teachers out there like that. When you care about your students and set your expectations for them HIGH, they will reach it. This group went along way together and touched each other's lives greatly, which brings me to my final thought....

1. ...and students make a difference in their teachers' lives. - No one can deny that Mr. Shu loves his kids. You could just see it in his eyes as he watched them to sing to him and later when he sang back to them. They were not the only ones who changed. He changed. He found a passion for teaching and went for it. He became more humble, more sacrificing and more loving. I know very well that students can change their teachers lives, for better or for worse. That's my favorite part about teaching - the relationship between student and teacher. I am so thankful there is a show out there showing how teachers should love their students. (Of course, we can't be AS involved as Mr. Shu....that's a wee bit unrealistic) I know that if you let your students change you, you won't regret it. I sure don't. :)